APRIL 3, 2007

Another round?

SEQUELS:

It’s all about watching our favorite characters grow up. TRAILERS:

Harry Potter 7… or was it 8? I don’t know anymore…

Well, well, well. Looks who’s turned into a man. It’s my boy Harry Potter. Is it just me or is Harry waaaay too old to be Harry. It doesn’t seem to sit well with me that still, Harry Potter is in Hogwarts (is he trying to get a Phd or something??) and still he’s wearing his glasses (why not magically make your eyes a perfect 20/20?! What the hell???) But aside from my deeply instilled dislike for the series, and the even harsher dislike for the aged but immortally youthful Harry Potter, I think the trailer seems to bring bigger and better things for the franchise. Finally, an actual battle seems to be brewing! And the slightly more aggressive and overtly confident Potter seems ready. Are we? From the looks of it our little Harry has grown up. He probably watched 300 and finally grew some… Add mind-blowing effects, and we have ourselves a movie to watch. 3.5 out of 5 trailer.

Die Hard 4.0

From kids growing up to grown men getting old. Guess who’s back?!?! It’s our favorite hardcore police officer! Before weird lethal weapons and loud-mouth rush hour cops, there was… John McClane. Ooh how I love hearing those British villains draw out his name with such disdain… “MacccccClane….” He’s back now, and he’s no longer a policeman. But do not fret. John is still armed with his age-old swagger and arrogant back-talk, not to mention his usual array of weapons. He may have grown older, but the trailer seems
to hint he’s also way smarter. This time dealing with more highly sophisticated bad guys, John gets to test whether or not he has withstood the test of time. And man I want to go along for the ride. The trailer boasts mostly of high-octane action scenes, which were mind-blowing to say the least. And for this, the trailer scores a perfect A+ for Ac+ion. But for fans like me, it’s McClane’s character that we will want to revisit. The trailer showed limited dialogue from John, keeping our throats dry and yearning. In effect, we want more… What a great marketing strategy! Less is more. And more or less, this trailer was perfect. 4 out of 5!!!

TMNT

There are few things that I will speak of with wild-eyed wonder and childlike enthusiasm. Hot girls. Basketball. And fond nostalgia-inducing experiences… Like hearing Alanis Morisette sing Jagged Little Pill… smelling newly baked leche flan like the one your Mom used to make… or discovering an old Buddha bracelet you used to wear to look cool *cringe*... Having had no recent sightings of any earth-shattering hotties (except one princess) and being effectively placed on the injured list of any sport except chess (bum knee), I was left with one task: to take a trip down memory lane and feel like a kid again. And my pals Donny, Raf, Leo, and yes my party animal Mikey, were there to lend a helping hand.

So how was the movie Teenege Mutant Ninje Turtles or TMNT? Hm…. Cue majestic trumpets, fireworks, and belly-dancing middle-eastern women! In a word, it was spectacular. Synonyms of that word? Stunning, fantastic, amazing, impressive, and fabulous (for the more effeminate crowd).

THE NEW

First, let us talk simply of the obvious changes that have been made to the franchise that have now catapulted it to new heights, starting with the most obvious: CGI. There are no GREEN screens used here my friends. Every drop of sweat and blood (well there’s no blood actually since this is a G-Rated film) you will see onscreen was made with… well the sweat and blood of the computer-animators. And take this as no exaggeration: the attention to detail was sublime. SUBLIME!!! Barring a few seconds of understandably video-game-looking scenes at the start, majority of the film was spent with my effortful and yet equally useless scanning of the entire screen in a desperate attempt to capture the inch to inch beauty of the realistic CGI. It was incredibly hard to follow the fight scenes not just because you wanted to see all four turtles in action, but also because the background for these battles seemed so alive you could touch it! In one scene where the four were in their usual teenage turtle tussle, the winds were constantly churning and swaying the trees with so much realism to the point of individual leaves being tossed and turned with the gusts. And no words can describe the perfection (as well as the intensity) of the scene with RAIN. (MUST SEE!!! GREAT SCENE!!!) And we should not mention just the attention to detail of the CGI, but the amazing “cinematography” they chose to employ. Using their computer-generated images to the hilt, you get everything from the sensation of being with the Mutant reptiles as they soar through the city’s rooftops to running through the enormous battlefields of a time long ago. And the fights scenes are breathtaking.

The Turtles themselves have changed as well. In more than one way, they have become edgier. Instead of the childhood cartoons of my day where they were all more round and pleasant-looking, they appear trimmed, cut-up, and fierce (in the lion sort of way, instead of the gross and overused fashion model sense). And for once, they are treated more realistically by being given more individual and unique looks down to the mass of their bodies and the texture of their skins, very much unlike their ancestors who looked generic and ready for mass-production as toys. Everything in this film just looks new and fresh. Even the ridiculous looking Foot Soldiers, who looked more like octopus-mosquito hybrids, have taken a step or two towards looking cool without using the aforementioned Buddha beads.

THE OLD

Who says old is bad? If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. And I’m glad to say, the new TMNT has kept the most adored facets of the franchise intact. In fact, the story picks up right where the old movie franchise of turtle mascots (No disrespect. This is for a lack of a better term. I loved them just as much.) left off. Shredder was defeated some time ago, and the turtles are in some form of internal and less overt disarray. I shall leave the actual circumstances vague for you to enjoy the applause-worthy realistic situation that causes the silent chaos amongst them. (And it is truly chaos indeed! Imagine Donatello working as a call center agent?!?! What?? Crazy and yet hilarious!)

Better still, the characters have remained unequivocally original.

LEO: Still the brooding, reflective, natural leader, who commands respect and gives it as well. A close-to-perfect (he’s a teenager after all…) and always-willing-to-learn student. However, he has grown a little older, and has become quietly more aggressive. The unquestionable head of the pack, he breeds both confidence and humility into the Teenage team. And he makes them all better, whether he fights side by side with them or not.

RAPH: Although to be honest, his rebellious and later repentant prodigal son character rubs me the wrong way. But that’s been the case since the cartoon series, so true to my word, the characters remain the same. Unchanged in his vigilante ways, he has taken it to the next level as he moonlights as something other than a Mutant Turtle hero. And still with that fickle old temper of his. Quite simply, he is still the most emotional and passionate of the turtles, and at times, that is pleasing to see.

DONNY: O, He of great intellect. As always, his brilliance precedes him even in this movie. His advanced thinking and maturity beyond his years has him hilariously conflicting and joshing with Michaelangelo and his childish antics. As usual, he proves invaluable to the team both as a physical and mental weapon.

MIKEY: Oh my favorite turtle. Mr. Party Machine. He remains as ever the most lovable character of all. Clearly the “bunso” of the family, more often than not, he brings their brotherly squabbles to a halt with his bright demeanor and his dualistic humor, which spans from unexpectedly witty and heartfelt and intentional TO downright funny in a blockhead and adorably corny way. Simply irreplaceable in the family and in the story, he serves as the constant punchline delivery boy... er turtle. And he never ceases to make us laugh. In fact, despite the sheer number of times he interjected one of his jokes, he crossed the line maybe just once, while sneezing heavily and over-dramatically. Everything else was just perfect to a T.

Even though the characters remain the same, they venture off into deeper and somewhat darker territory in terms of their characters, especially the “leads”. Though previously never quite the center of their adventures, their relationship as brothers now takes center stage as the formerly well-oiled fighting machine called the Ninja Turtles are at odds with each other. The seemingly fitted-for-kids movie has more adult content, emotional zing, and a lot more perspective than expected. And this movie is very funny and witty as a whole, knowing when to make fun of itself and its characters in a classy way. Plus, the traditional and always endearing family-moments and the anticipated heroics make it a movie for all ages and for ages to come.

Although I speak to you with the unabashed and violently adamant passion of a true Ninja Turtles fan, you should somehow surmise the core truth of the fact that this film is quite simply well-executed. A must see to say the least, especially for those who are children at heart and who carry with them the undying wish of becoming a Ninja Turtle with a pair of ninjaken, sai, nunchaku, or a bo. I give this a Totally Radical TURTLE GREEN LIGHT!!!!!


Key Scenes that made me go “COOOL…” Or “ANGAS…

Leonardo on a plane’s wheel… What a comeback scene!
Final Scene where they patrol the rooftops… great visuals, great voiceover!
RAIN scene… amazing! Ranks among my top three fight scenes! Sandwiched between Matrix 1 (Neo vs. Smith) and Troy (Brad Pitt vs. his vanity hahahaha).
Michaelangelo skateboarding home… Cowabunga classic! Amazing!
Everything!!!!

MARCH 28, 2007 REVIEW

The Groomsmen

Wait. I said wait! Before you go rushing to judge me, let me explain. Even the best of them can get it terribly wrong. Fine, those who pretend to be the best of them can get it terribly wrong. And I am man enough to say that I did. Who can blame me? And isn’t losing your P 131.00 to such a mediocre movie punishment enough?! Not to mention having to drag your movie companion through the same experience! The Groomsmen’s trailer struck me as unique, and quite endearing. For one it promised to deliver a uniquely male perspective to the “Oh so done already”-becoming-a-grown-up-and-taking-care-of-a-relationship genre. No movie in our time has done an exclusively male perspective of a soul-searching plot. And man, was I quick to head to the line to check out just how they would pull this off… (How they pulled it off, and how it all crashed down, will be tackled painfully ahead.) Also, I had high expectations because of the cast it boasted of. Talk about a great cast of off-beat quick-witted sharp-tongued comedians: John Leguizamo (or something like that spelling), Matt Lillard (Shaggy), and Jay Mohr (a comeback movie for him). And add to the mix at stage center: a Mr. Ed Burns, an actor borne of his subtlety and unique nuances. “Forget about it.” It seemed solid gold to me... Or at the very least rusted bronze… the kind you used for unbudgeted sprotsfests.

But it turned out to be fake aluminum. Aluminum for christsake! You could crumple it with one hand!

Right off the bat, of course such a “personal growth” movie will have to deal with general clichés. That almost always can’t be helped. There has to be a group of husbands, their wives, some children, and grandparents – all of whom have some interpersonal battles between them. However, this movie takes clichés to the next level… supersized, greasy, and will leave you puking your guts out. An engaged couple dealing with doubts of why they are getting married, a closet homosexual, a still immature man in his mid-thirties, and an impotent husband. How much more cliché problems can you stick into this thing?!

But given the genre, these typical problems can be forgiven, for as long as the plot takes a few interesting turns and delivers a distinct perspective to our “regular” problems. Movies like this do not have the advantage of action/adventure/suspense movies, which can use other aspects to heighten the plot. This type of movie relies solely on the characters and the choices they make to lead the storyline. And there lies the driving force behind this movie’s death: the noose on the rope is the fact that even the solutions these groomsmen employ are just as formulaic. Each step is as predictable as the alphabet, thereby making the film as boring as A, B, Z – ZZZzzzz…. Can’t have kids? Step1: Drink man, drink! Step2: Do not talk to wife about it. Step3: Keep hanging out with the boys, and lash out at them if they’re about to have kids. Step4: Go to strip bars. (Well, this is recommendable whether or not you have an impotence problem :p) Step5: Break down crying to a friend, pass-out from the alcohol, wake up, tell your wife your problems after all this time because, hey, the movie’s ending. Step6: You’re a new man.

What?!?!

Besides painting an immaculate and life-like picture of a man and his non-mending idiocies (which probably can’t be helped either, but I loathe no less…), this movie manages to cascade through the list of weaknesses of my specie, leading me to believe that it wasn’t actually Ed Burns, who wrote the script, but rather his wife. Howe else can you explain such self-immolation?? Add to the generic unoriginal storyline a script lacking in grace or panache. Perhaps to imbue further still (Lord when does the hurting stop) the undeniable qualities of men, the conversations between this group of men consist of “Fuck you, shut up,” a dash of “are you kidding me?” and a choice of “Shit” and “Prick” as a side dish. In fact, a joke regarding the word cordial actually occurs in the movie quite a few times, mocking the fact that one of them knew what it meant.

To make matters worse (worst), the monologues, wherein pieces of advice are given from one confused male to a more bewildered one, lack any poignant poetry or vivid and original metaphors that could have given the movie a few inspiring moments of clarity and meaning. But in a rugged male style that already begins to taste a little stale after a while, we are left with dangerous oversimplifications that resolve problems with a snap of a finger. At one point during a confused moment, Ed Burns says “….but I love her… and I want the baby…” And Matt Lillard – the unrelenting pillar of strength in the movie – cuts in with “…then there’s no problem… Go home.” Wow. That’s it? You don’t want to hear the rest of it? Just go home? Take a chill pill and jet?? That’s the 10 cents you’ll send me off into the world with?! I’d have been better off getting “Drink your vitamins!!!” or “Impossible is nothing.” Give me a break!

In the end, all you get from this movie are examples of what not to do – either by a mature male or by a movie-maker. DO NOT FOLLOW THEIR EXAMPLE. And to deliver the final crushing shot to the groin, the story doesn’t even flow smoothly across its so called plot. It keeps on popping from one scene to the next, with events seamlessly running into each other but remaining unequivocally disconnected from each other and from the whole. A game of women’s basketball probably ran smoother than this. I over-rationalize this rashness and chaos as the filmmaker’s attempt to symbolically represent the brash quality of men in general, thereby making the medium his message. That or I could be full of sh*t. (oh my God the movie is rubbing off on me…)

However, there are few (and far between) good points in the film. For one, the chemistry between the cast is very good. You could almost sense a real friendship between them. And the friendships of the characters in the story are unique in their eccentricities and charming in their dysfunction. Second, the wit and humor (and the way they deliver it) from John Leguizamo and Jay Mohr are fast-paced and unexpected. They kept me on the edge of my seat, anticipating the next thing they would say that would tickle my sides. However, their brand of comedy is more of an acquired taste and isn’t your garden-variety Jim Carrey humor. Lastly… okay I can’t squeeze any more quality from the film… It’s all juiced out.

The final judgment? I recommend that you do not watch this film on the big screen. Better to wait for it when it comes out on HBO or something for a few laughs. RED LIGHT!!!


Additional Notes:

Looks like crime is back in season… The Trailers:

Zodiac

Interesting to say the least. Besides a cast that speaks of thespian skill and not Hollywood stardom (Jake Gyllenhaal, Mark Ruffalo, Robert Downey Jr., and Gary Oldman), this trailer gives us a sneak peak at a slightly new genre: a suspense/thriller-comedy. What an odd combination, right? This leaves for an interesting watch if just for the fact that you want to see how the dualism will work. Or if it works at all. The story revolves around the search for a serial killer in the Zodiac murders, and a young puzzle-solver in Gyllenhaal. The trailer is intriguing. 3.5 out of 5 for a trailer.

The Condemned

Now, this title elicits so much interest from me for the simple fact that it breathes so much potential. But alas as our philosophy professors have taught us, potensya is imaginary until it becomes aktwal. The storyline is simple… an inch past cliché in fact. 10 criminals on death row are “purchased” by a reality show to be left on a secluded island. No, Jeff Probst is not part of this reality show, and there are no cow-blood drinking, reward challenges, or late night trash-talking and castaway votes. The stakes are slightly less than $1M, but immensely more important. The “freed” inmate who survives the competition gets their real-world freedom. The competition? A fight to the death. Although writing the words here seem fantastical and heroic even, this scenario has been used up and dried to the bone by Hollywood and B-movies alike. To make things even less original if possible is the fact that a Japanese movie did this exact story a few years back, and this is quite simply a remake of that movie. So what does this take have to offer, besides the fact that it’s in English? Well for one… I mean… You have to understand… Ok, wait. Fine it doesn’t have anything new to offer. But who says that’s bad necessarily? (Okay, do NOT answer that.) So in conclusion expect that very few will watch this movie – that should serve as a warning already – the fight for tickets probably between action movie aficionados and Stone Cold Steve Austin fans. So don’t go see this movie unless you love adrenaline, OR if Stone Cold Said So… 2 of 5 for a trailer.

Fracture

Look out for the new Anthony Hopkins starrer. He is joined by Ryan Gosling in Fracture. Now, as is the trend with movies of our time, the title doesn’t seem to immediately correspond to the film’s plot or general point for that matter [cases in point, The DreamCatcher and the previously mentioned “next attraction” movie Sunshine.]. Ready for the plot? Hopkins commits a crime and confesses to shooting his wife. (What?!) Yes, Sir Anthony takes another long-awaited crack at antagonism. Ryan Gosling is the stereotypical over-achieving and overambitious assistant DA, who quite literally smells blood on the food chain, ready to consume and move up the ladder. Taking Hopkin’s case, – seemingly a surer-than-sure thing with a confession, but expectedly much more complex and full of danger – Gosling slowly realizes that the crime committed was no impulsive act of the moment. It becomes clear that criminal has been and continues to be two steps ahead of everyone. In vintage Hopkins-style, he draws out another intelligent character, brimming with confidence and charisma, equally enjoyable and insidious – at least from the trailer. Gosling spends the entire movie in a mental boxing match – a battle of wits and cunning – with the master criminal. In the end, the question is who wins the race? An exciting trailer filled with some mystery. It’s been a while since we’ve seen a courtroom mystery-suspense-thriller, and this just might be what the doctor ordered. 3.5 of 5 for a trailer.

MARCH 8, 2007 REVIEW

TRAILERS:

Now before we get to the main event, why don’t we open the review up with a few pre-fight discussions and pre-game analysis… in what people charmingly call… The Tale of the Tape.

THE REAPING

Well, well, well. Look who’s come into Ghost Town… It’s Oscar-winning actress Hilary Swank! In this suspense-thriller-bible-study movie, she plays the typical and predictable non-believer (trying to appeal to the growing atheist market are we?) in the middle of a mystery involving the signs of the end of the world. Now, we all know these signs do we not? The water (or swamp in this case) into blood trick, the frog rain, the locust party, and Angelina Jolie adopting the rest of Asia (or is that ALREADY the end of the world?), and all the other plagues… And in case someone slept through C.L.E. in grade school, the trailer shows all these signs like bulletpoint clips in a Powerpoint presentation. So what else is left for us to find out? On surface-level, it seems like a chip-from-the-old-block horror flick: loud sudden noises – check; darkness (one of the signs… yep I studied up!) – check; freaky scary little girl – triple check!; hot lead who will jog and roam around in little to nothing – chick… er check! So what should stop us from just watching the trailer and simply filling in the gaps? Or worse yet not even caring? Well… It’s this… Mystery. The trailer leaves you with a sense that everything was shown, except one TINY fact… a fact that like many tiny ex-girlfriends will come back and haunt you. And quite literally too. This trailer plays a very very subtle Curiosity bought tickets for the Cat strategy. And as a teaser here is one of the occurrences from the intense trailer: Hilary walks carefully along a corridor. A woman appears, afraid and says softly, “Are you here to kill my child?” Hilary says no. The woman replies in exasperation, “Why not?” Ooh… I give it a 3 out of 5 for a trailer, and a See-it-if-you-have-extra-loose-cash-lying-around as a movie…


SUNSHINE

Do not mistake the title for Little Miss Sunshine (a very good film). Nor should you assume this is some feel good film. In fact take the title, write the first 30 things that come to your mind, write these on a piece of paper, and then use it to wipe off the spilt juice on your desk. As complete and sudden a shock as the title is from its story, this trailer is equally grabbing and tantalizing. A double star (pardon the pun – hint, hint) for any trailer. Yes, quite confusingly, the movie centers around a literal Star… Ours that is… The Sun is losing its fire for some reason and is about to die. And Life101 says that as the light snuffs out, so will the rest of us. And so a mission is to be had: Save the world… and why not amp it up to be nothing less than a seemingly “suicide” kamikaze heroic mission for the collective world? Relatively simple plot with a standard “Deep Impact/Armageddon” storyline? No. Just when everything is set, with the auto-pilot on, the radio blaring a good bass, your car on cruise-control… Road Curve One… They apparently will find something, while near the sun that seemingly came FROM the sun. (Let’s not ruin the shock when you’re able to watch the trailer.) Road Curve Two… They encounter something. (Sh…) Road Curve Three… It’s trying to stop them. Now you are swept up in a whirlwind of questions of who, what, how, and why, in a frenetic pace down a zigzag hill without brakes. I know we want to be on that ride, though. Right? As a trailer I give it a 4 of 5 for giving you so much activity in the span of a minute or two. As a movie, however, I give it a thumbs-up with a cautionary note: This is a situation film, meaning the deep subtle life lesson messages occur slim to none. This is simply an adventure film, so for those who do not enjoy these type of seat-rockers, go home and watch Oprah. If this is your thing, close the door and let’s cut the brakes!!!

MOVIE REVIEW…

300

Heads:
How can I describe the experience of watching 300? Hm… It’s like… It’s like… It’s like counting… from 1… to 300… Somewhere at around 117 you’ll fall asleep thinking… well thinking about nothing… only to wake up to a thundering sound and resume counting at a poorly estimated 248. Then skipping every odd number to quicken the pace. In a very honest sense, this film is like a soft-porn film with way too much dialogue! (Or so I heard that’s what porn films are like, having never seen one… :p) To make things worse, there seem to be a few homosexual overtones in the movie! (Yes, staring at the 6-piece knuckles these Spartans call abs more than three times – intentionally or not – does make you gay, or at least bi-curious.) Plus, action scenes that occur in real time are haphazard and way too riotous, such that it all seems like one violent S&M orgy (again a porn reference!). Lastly, the movie portrays the Spartans more like ancient jocks than anything else, making fun of men who weren’t soldiers and laughing at the most ill-advised moments.

Tales:
However, on the upside… IT’S LIKE A SOFT PORN FILM!!! What else do you want?! Even girls get to ogle at the inhuman physiques of the Spartan men! It’s like half the supply of the steroids in the world have been used up for this film! Lebron James can’t jump anymore, since his supply ran out! And for the boys? Two words: My Queen.
On a serious note, though, this film has more redeeming factors, which successfully pull the movie out of its initial doldrums. For one, despite the disorderly nature of the real-time action scenes, the fight sequences in slowed-motion are breathtaking and as real as you can expect. And despite the gruffness of Spartan invincibility and gore the film tries to portray, the surprising grace with which they appear to fight elicits quite a few oohs and aahs. The entire film in fact is a cinematographic piece of art that makes you subconsciously widen your eyes to be able to take in the awe-inspiring scenes – no matter how simple an event it may be… The only way to describe the visual experience is to call it a masterpiece painting in motion... It might also be necessary to clarify the comment earlier that the Spartans seemed more like ancient jocks, and that this is a negative for the movie… Don’t get me wrong, the Spartans were undeniably jocks in the film, but it is the latter statement, calling this fact as a weakness in the film is very debatable. Why?? Because these Spartans become more endearing than menacing because of this colorfulness in character. Movies in the genre of 300, like Troy, usually employ the usual Hero character fold, where fearlessness, seriousness, and eloquence in speech are a staple. (Who can forget and stop from cringing from the line in Troy that goes “Do you know what’s over that ridge, men? Immortality. Take it! It’s yours!” Sheesh. Popcorn.) But in a bold move of individuality, the Spartans of 300 break from this age-old formula, take of their jockey straps, and pull a wedgie on the flakey Athenians. These atypical heroes catch your attention and imagination, and indeed help this movie cast its individual shadow on the film industry, almost creating a unique genre somewhere between Lethal Weapon and Lord of The Rings. Whether you appreciate such uniqueness is disputable, and on that question relies whether or not you should see this movie.
But probably the best ting about this movie is the fact that is well written. It cannot be avoided that the movie spit out a few cheeseball lines about bravery and service. The movie is after all based on these intangible and intensely heroic concepts. But other than the allotted monologue one-liners, the script is very well-done and provides the Spartans with the extra ‘umph’ of panache that adds to their already resonant swagger.

As The Coin Falls:

My recommendation, therefore, is for you to come see this movie, which holds quite a few laughs in store for you and a unique take on an epic movie to boot. However, be sure to leave your Greek-delusions-of-grandeur-movie-expectations at the door or you will be sufficiently disappointed and will be screaming “Hectooooor…!!!” a la Brad Pitt. I give it a GREEN LIGHT!!!

Curtain Opener

Excited to see all the new movie flicks? Raring to stampede into the cinemas? Already on your heels to make a break for the exits as soon as the clock hits 5pm? Well, cool your jets my friends. Before romping off into a 2-hr virtual adventure, read the warning signs, the “directions for use” and the weather forecasts. Take heed of road blocks & be advised of re-routing. Consider this as your very own public advisory for movies. Your personal cinema stoplight. Red means stop in your tracks, your eyes will bleed. Yellow means venture at your own risk. Green means go go go, and spend the greens for this flick - its worth it. Have fun & enjoy the show!

***

Watching movies nowadays is like flipping a coin or rolling a dice – there are no guarantees into what you are getting yourself into. Most of the time movie trailers are cut-up, pre-cooked, and gift-wrapped to look like a shadow of its real self, misleading the movie-goers. Previews and interviews are just as intentionally ambiguous, feigning interest and intrigue on basically any popcorn flick around. Well this movie-reviewer is not in the pocket of any producer, not indebted to any director, and holds no alliances to any actors. Expect an unbiased, honest, humble, and most importantly witty assessment of all the upcoming screen flicks. I will fearlessly dive into Opening Night Wednesdays and take the first hit… I will be part of the first wave… To make sure the coast is clear for the rest of you to follow.

Now as I said, watching movies nowadays is like flipping a coin. Check that – it IS tossing a coin. And in more ways than one. First, well…. It costs money… Watching a movie is quite literally tossing a whole bag of coins. I remember it used to cost 50 bucks a pop when I watched Dumb and Dumber. Now I just watch my life: just Poor and Poorer.

Second, there are always two sides to any coin – to any movie. It is simply a fact that there is no such thing as a perfect work-of-art, and this encapsulates cinema as well. In fact you can go as far as claim that art receives its beauty from its imperfections (See Note below). ANY movie has a flaw, and this is both due to our philosophical view of humans as flawed beings or my loud-mouth POV that we people are just way too critical of everything. (If an angel miraculously appeared before me, I’d probably complain of the brightness of his entrance.) In this sense, it is always best to enumerate the heads (criticisms) and tales (wondrousness a.k.a. the upside) of any movie.

Lastly, a coin cannot stand without a face up much like a movie cannot be judged as commendable or utterly forgettable. After all the rising and falling actions, the cheers and the jeers, after the tumbling, twisting, and rolling of the coin, it must inevitably come to an abrupt end. A conclusion. A final tipping of the scale. A face will reveal itself: Heads or Tales? Good or Bad? As the credits roll and unfamiliar names bolt past the screen...

John Trevor – First Assistant Producer
Rebecca Allison – a Costume-something-er
Charles Di&@($&whatthehell*#!!??.....
--- blur ---

...it is either you are bobbing your head in approval of the cinematic communication or shaking your head in disbelief at the senseless waste of color, electricity, and time. And so too shall this blog render a final judgment upon movies it entertains. But as my coin-analogy promises, there will be twists and turns along the way before the final analysis… And hopefully a bundle of laughs too. Enjoy! I know I will…