Wait. I said wait! Before you go rushing to judge me, let me explain. Even the best of them can get it terribly wrong. Fine, those who pretend to be the best of them can get it terribly wrong. And I am man enough to say that I did. Who can blame me? And isn’t losing your P 131.00 to such a mediocre movie punishment enough?! Not to mention having to drag your movie companion through the same experience! The Groomsmen’s trailer struck me as unique, and quite endearing. For one it promised to deliver a uniquely male perspective to the “Oh so done already”-becoming-a-grown-up-and-taking-care-of-a-relationship genre. No movie in our time has done an exclusively male perspective of a soul-searching plot. And man, was I quick to head to the line to check out just how they would pull this off… (How they pulled it off, and how it all crashed down, will be tackled painfully ahead.) Also, I had high expectations because of the cast it boasted of. Talk about a great cast of off-beat quick-witted sharp-tongued comedians: John Leguizamo (or something like that spelling), Matt Lillard (Shaggy), and Jay Mohr (a comeback movie for him). And add to the mix at stage center: a Mr. Ed Burns, an actor borne of his subtlety and unique nuances. “Forget about it.” It seemed solid gold to me... Or at the very least rusted bronze… the kind you used for unbudgeted sprotsfests.
But it turned out to be fake aluminum. Aluminum for christsake! You could crumple it with one hand!
Right off the bat, of course such a “personal growth” movie will have to deal with general clichés. That almost always can’t be helped. There has to be a group of husbands, their wives, some children, and grandparents – all of whom have some interpersonal battles between them. However, this movie takes clichés to the next level… supersized, greasy, and will leave you puking your guts out. An engaged couple dealing with doubts of why they are getting married, a closet homosexual, a still immature man in his mid-thirties, and an impotent husband. How much more cliché problems can you stick into this thing?!
But given the genre, these typical problems can be forgiven, for as long as the plot takes a few interesting turns and delivers a distinct perspective to our “regular” problems. Movies like this do not have the advantage of action/adventure/suspense movies, which can use other aspects to heighten the plot. This type of movie relies solely on the characters and the choices they make to lead the storyline. And there lies the driving force behind this movie’s death: the noose on the rope is the fact that even the solutions these groomsmen employ are just as formulaic. Each step is as predictable as the alphabet, thereby making the film as boring as A, B, Z – ZZZzzzz…. Can’t have kids? Step1: Drink man, drink! Step2: Do not talk to wife about it. Step3: Keep hanging out with the boys, and lash out at them if they’re about to have kids. Step4: Go to strip bars. (Well, this is recommendable whether or not you have an impotence problem :p) Step5: Break down crying to a friend, pass-out from the alcohol, wake up, tell your wife your problems after all this time because, hey, the movie’s ending. Step6: You’re a new man.
What?!?!
Besides painting an immaculate and life-like picture of a man and his non-mending idiocies (which probably can’t be helped either, but I loathe no less…), this movie manages to cascade through the list of weaknesses of my specie, leading me to believe that it wasn’t actually Ed Burns, who wrote the script, but rather his wife. Howe else can you explain such self-immolation?? Add to the generic unoriginal storyline a script lacking in grace or panache. Perhaps to imbue further still (Lord when does the hurting stop) the undeniable qualities of men, the conversations between this group of men consist of “Fuck you, shut up,” a dash of “are you kidding me?” and a choice of “Shit” and “Prick” as a side dish. In fact, a joke regarding the word cordial actually occurs in the movie quite a few times, mocking the fact that one of them knew what it meant.
To make matters worse (worst), the monologues, wherein pieces of advice are given from one confused male to a more bewildered one, lack any poignant poetry or vivid and original metaphors that could have given the movie a few inspiring moments of clarity and meaning. But in a rugged male style that already begins to taste a little stale after a while, we are left with dangerous oversimplifications that resolve problems with a snap of a finger. At one point during a confused moment, Ed Burns says “….but I love her… and I want the baby…” And Matt Lillard – the unrelenting pillar of strength in the movie – cuts in with “…then there’s no problem… Go home.” Wow. That’s it? You don’t want to hear the rest of it? Just go home? Take a chill pill and jet?? That’s the 10 cents you’ll send me off into the world with?! I’d have been better off getting “Drink your vitamins!!!” or “Impossible is nothing.” Give me a break!
In the end, all you get from this movie are examples of what not to do – either by a mature male or by a movie-maker. DO NOT FOLLOW THEIR EXAMPLE. And to deliver the final crushing shot to the groin, the story doesn’t even flow smoothly across its so called plot. It keeps on popping from one scene to the next, with events seamlessly running into each other but remaining unequivocally disconnected from each other and from the whole. A game of women’s basketball probably ran smoother than this. I over-rationalize this rashness and chaos as the filmmaker’s attempt to symbolically represent the brash quality of men in general, thereby making the medium his message. That or I could be full of sh*t. (oh my God the movie is rubbing off on me…)
However, there are few (and far between) good points in the film. For one, the chemistry between the cast is very good. You could almost sense a real friendship between them. And the friendships of the characters in the story are unique in their eccentricities and charming in their dysfunction. Second, the wit and humor (and the way they deliver it) from John Leguizamo and Jay Mohr are fast-paced and unexpected. They kept me on the edge of my seat, anticipating the next thing they would say that would tickle my sides. However, their brand of comedy is more of an acquired taste and isn’t your garden-variety Jim Carrey humor. Lastly… okay I can’t squeeze any more quality from the film… It’s all juiced out.
The final judgment? I recommend that you do not watch this film on the big screen. Better to wait for it when it comes out on HBO or something for a few laughs. RED LIGHT!!!
Additional Notes:
Looks like crime is back in season… The Trailers:
Zodiac
Interesting to say the least. Besides a cast that speaks of thespian skill and not Hollywood stardom (Jake Gyllenhaal, Mark Ruffalo, Robert Downey Jr., and Gary Oldman), this trailer gives us a sneak peak at a slightly new genre: a suspense/thriller-comedy. What an odd combination, right? This leaves for an interesting watch if just for the fact that you want to see how the dualism will work. Or if it works at all. The story revolves around the search for a serial killer in the Zodiac murders, and a young puzzle-solver in Gyllenhaal. The trailer is intriguing. 3.5 out of 5 for a trailer.
The Condemned
Now, this title elicits so much interest from me for the simple fact that it breathes so much potential. But alas as our philosophy professors have taught us, potensya is imaginary until it becomes aktwal. The storyline is simple… an inch past cliché in fact. 10 criminals on death row are “purchased” by a reality show to be left on a secluded island. No, Jeff Probst is not part of this reality show, and there are no cow-blood drinking, reward challenges, or late night trash-talking and castaway votes. The stakes are slightly less than $1M, but immensely more important. The “freed” inmate who survives the competition gets their real-world freedom. The competition? A fight to the death. Although writing the words here seem fantastical and heroic even, this scenario has been used up and dried to the bone by Hollywood and B-movies alike. To make things even less original if possible is the fact that a Japanese movie did this exact story a few years back, and this is quite simply a remake of that movie. So what does this take have to offer, besides the fact that it’s in English? Well for one… I mean… You have to understand… Ok, wait. Fine it doesn’t have anything new to offer. But who says that’s bad necessarily? (Okay, do NOT answer that.) So in conclusion expect that very few will watch this movie – that should serve as a warning already – the fight for tickets probably between action movie aficionados and Stone Cold Steve Austin fans. So don’t go see this movie unless you love adrenaline, OR if Stone Cold Said So… 2 of 5 for a trailer.
Fracture
Look out for the new Anthony Hopkins starrer. He is joined by Ryan Gosling in Fracture. Now, as is the trend with movies of our time, the title doesn’t seem to immediately correspond to the film’s plot or general point for that matter [cases in point, The DreamCatcher and the previously mentioned “next attraction” movie Sunshine.]. Ready for the plot? Hopkins commits a crime and confesses to shooting his wife. (What?!) Yes, Sir Anthony takes another long-awaited crack at antagonism. Ryan Gosling is the stereotypical over-achieving and overambitious assistant DA, who quite literally smells blood on the food chain, ready to consume and move up the ladder. Taking Hopkin’s case, – seemingly a surer-than-sure thing with a confession, but expectedly much more complex and full of danger – Gosling slowly realizes that the crime committed was no impulsive act of the moment. It becomes clear that criminal has been and continues to be two steps ahead of everyone. In vintage Hopkins-style, he draws out another intelligent character, brimming with confidence and charisma, equally enjoyable and insidious – at least from the trailer. Gosling spends the entire movie in a mental boxing match – a battle of wits and cunning – with the master criminal. In the end, the question is who wins the race? An exciting trailer filled with some mystery. It’s been a while since we’ve seen a courtroom mystery-suspense-thriller, and this just might be what the doctor ordered. 3.5 of 5 for a trailer.
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