MARCH 8, 2007 REVIEW

TRAILERS:

Now before we get to the main event, why don’t we open the review up with a few pre-fight discussions and pre-game analysis… in what people charmingly call… The Tale of the Tape.

THE REAPING

Well, well, well. Look who’s come into Ghost Town… It’s Oscar-winning actress Hilary Swank! In this suspense-thriller-bible-study movie, she plays the typical and predictable non-believer (trying to appeal to the growing atheist market are we?) in the middle of a mystery involving the signs of the end of the world. Now, we all know these signs do we not? The water (or swamp in this case) into blood trick, the frog rain, the locust party, and Angelina Jolie adopting the rest of Asia (or is that ALREADY the end of the world?), and all the other plagues… And in case someone slept through C.L.E. in grade school, the trailer shows all these signs like bulletpoint clips in a Powerpoint presentation. So what else is left for us to find out? On surface-level, it seems like a chip-from-the-old-block horror flick: loud sudden noises – check; darkness (one of the signs… yep I studied up!) – check; freaky scary little girl – triple check!; hot lead who will jog and roam around in little to nothing – chick… er check! So what should stop us from just watching the trailer and simply filling in the gaps? Or worse yet not even caring? Well… It’s this… Mystery. The trailer leaves you with a sense that everything was shown, except one TINY fact… a fact that like many tiny ex-girlfriends will come back and haunt you. And quite literally too. This trailer plays a very very subtle Curiosity bought tickets for the Cat strategy. And as a teaser here is one of the occurrences from the intense trailer: Hilary walks carefully along a corridor. A woman appears, afraid and says softly, “Are you here to kill my child?” Hilary says no. The woman replies in exasperation, “Why not?” Ooh… I give it a 3 out of 5 for a trailer, and a See-it-if-you-have-extra-loose-cash-lying-around as a movie…


SUNSHINE

Do not mistake the title for Little Miss Sunshine (a very good film). Nor should you assume this is some feel good film. In fact take the title, write the first 30 things that come to your mind, write these on a piece of paper, and then use it to wipe off the spilt juice on your desk. As complete and sudden a shock as the title is from its story, this trailer is equally grabbing and tantalizing. A double star (pardon the pun – hint, hint) for any trailer. Yes, quite confusingly, the movie centers around a literal Star… Ours that is… The Sun is losing its fire for some reason and is about to die. And Life101 says that as the light snuffs out, so will the rest of us. And so a mission is to be had: Save the world… and why not amp it up to be nothing less than a seemingly “suicide” kamikaze heroic mission for the collective world? Relatively simple plot with a standard “Deep Impact/Armageddon” storyline? No. Just when everything is set, with the auto-pilot on, the radio blaring a good bass, your car on cruise-control… Road Curve One… They apparently will find something, while near the sun that seemingly came FROM the sun. (Let’s not ruin the shock when you’re able to watch the trailer.) Road Curve Two… They encounter something. (Sh…) Road Curve Three… It’s trying to stop them. Now you are swept up in a whirlwind of questions of who, what, how, and why, in a frenetic pace down a zigzag hill without brakes. I know we want to be on that ride, though. Right? As a trailer I give it a 4 of 5 for giving you so much activity in the span of a minute or two. As a movie, however, I give it a thumbs-up with a cautionary note: This is a situation film, meaning the deep subtle life lesson messages occur slim to none. This is simply an adventure film, so for those who do not enjoy these type of seat-rockers, go home and watch Oprah. If this is your thing, close the door and let’s cut the brakes!!!

MOVIE REVIEW…

300

Heads:
How can I describe the experience of watching 300? Hm… It’s like… It’s like… It’s like counting… from 1… to 300… Somewhere at around 117 you’ll fall asleep thinking… well thinking about nothing… only to wake up to a thundering sound and resume counting at a poorly estimated 248. Then skipping every odd number to quicken the pace. In a very honest sense, this film is like a soft-porn film with way too much dialogue! (Or so I heard that’s what porn films are like, having never seen one… :p) To make things worse, there seem to be a few homosexual overtones in the movie! (Yes, staring at the 6-piece knuckles these Spartans call abs more than three times – intentionally or not – does make you gay, or at least bi-curious.) Plus, action scenes that occur in real time are haphazard and way too riotous, such that it all seems like one violent S&M orgy (again a porn reference!). Lastly, the movie portrays the Spartans more like ancient jocks than anything else, making fun of men who weren’t soldiers and laughing at the most ill-advised moments.

Tales:
However, on the upside… IT’S LIKE A SOFT PORN FILM!!! What else do you want?! Even girls get to ogle at the inhuman physiques of the Spartan men! It’s like half the supply of the steroids in the world have been used up for this film! Lebron James can’t jump anymore, since his supply ran out! And for the boys? Two words: My Queen.
On a serious note, though, this film has more redeeming factors, which successfully pull the movie out of its initial doldrums. For one, despite the disorderly nature of the real-time action scenes, the fight sequences in slowed-motion are breathtaking and as real as you can expect. And despite the gruffness of Spartan invincibility and gore the film tries to portray, the surprising grace with which they appear to fight elicits quite a few oohs and aahs. The entire film in fact is a cinematographic piece of art that makes you subconsciously widen your eyes to be able to take in the awe-inspiring scenes – no matter how simple an event it may be… The only way to describe the visual experience is to call it a masterpiece painting in motion... It might also be necessary to clarify the comment earlier that the Spartans seemed more like ancient jocks, and that this is a negative for the movie… Don’t get me wrong, the Spartans were undeniably jocks in the film, but it is the latter statement, calling this fact as a weakness in the film is very debatable. Why?? Because these Spartans become more endearing than menacing because of this colorfulness in character. Movies in the genre of 300, like Troy, usually employ the usual Hero character fold, where fearlessness, seriousness, and eloquence in speech are a staple. (Who can forget and stop from cringing from the line in Troy that goes “Do you know what’s over that ridge, men? Immortality. Take it! It’s yours!” Sheesh. Popcorn.) But in a bold move of individuality, the Spartans of 300 break from this age-old formula, take of their jockey straps, and pull a wedgie on the flakey Athenians. These atypical heroes catch your attention and imagination, and indeed help this movie cast its individual shadow on the film industry, almost creating a unique genre somewhere between Lethal Weapon and Lord of The Rings. Whether you appreciate such uniqueness is disputable, and on that question relies whether or not you should see this movie.
But probably the best ting about this movie is the fact that is well written. It cannot be avoided that the movie spit out a few cheeseball lines about bravery and service. The movie is after all based on these intangible and intensely heroic concepts. But other than the allotted monologue one-liners, the script is very well-done and provides the Spartans with the extra ‘umph’ of panache that adds to their already resonant swagger.

As The Coin Falls:

My recommendation, therefore, is for you to come see this movie, which holds quite a few laughs in store for you and a unique take on an epic movie to boot. However, be sure to leave your Greek-delusions-of-grandeur-movie-expectations at the door or you will be sufficiently disappointed and will be screaming “Hectooooor…!!!” a la Brad Pitt. I give it a GREEN LIGHT!!!